The Origin of the “Pleaser”
Today’s episode is a discussion of the “pleaser.”
We’ll be discussing emotional enmeshment - how it started, why it’s a problem, and what you can do about it.
Diving deep, beyond the cliche, we discuss why this is so prevalent and what toll it has on men’s romantic partnerships.
On the surface, being a “pleaser” should be a good thing…right?
Pleasing others has its benefits. At the beginning of a romantic partnership, pleasing someone - that is, being thoughtful, attentive, and loving - is the air that stokes the flame.
But later, it can wreak havoc. At the point when real, deep intimacy is supposed to develop, it can be hard to find that profound connection. And when you, as a man, need to ask for what you want, or express your desires and ideas, you might find that you…don’t really know what they are!
This lack of expression and connection will become an issue.
Where did this behavior come from?
Men who are raised predominantly by their mothers often struggle in their romantic relationships. In this podcast episode, Luke Adler and I explain the concept of men’s emotional “enmeshment” - that is, becoming a stand-in partner for their mother - and its potential impacts on their relationships.
If you are a man raised by his mother, you may have felt at times like a substitute partner when she needed you. You stepped up and you took it on. This made you kind, conscious, and unselfish. You put someone else first, and prioritized your family unit.
When you met your wife or partner, you probably did something similar. You were so thoughtful and warm, she appreciated every bit of attention!
If you are a pleaser, you might identify with one or all of these statements…
You might struggle to express what you want or need, or you might not actually know what you need in the first place.
She may comment that your people pleasing feels inauthentic, and does not reflect your true desires. She may feel like she does not actually know you.
If you constantly put other peoples’ needs first and struggle to set boundaries, you may often feel resentful or irritable. This might spill into your relationship and cause you to become passive aggressive or sarcastic.
You may have stretched yourself too thin in the past trying to please everyone at once, which ultimately led you to become burned out and inconsistent in delivering on your promises. This may have already eroded trust in your relationship.
Your childhood attachment style contributed to who you are today, both good and bad!
In this episode, we will discuss the behavior science of growing beyond our childhood attachment styles, with practical steps and examples provided to help work through attachment issues and create a deep and fulfilling relationship.
Breaking free from ingrained attachment patterns is difficult, especially when these patterns are still present in adulthood. But during our retreats and men’s groups, we emphasize self-awareness, seeking professional help, and using tools and resources. Relational and group work can provide a more effective environment for change.
Are you (or your partner) a “pleaser” seeking to change the dynamic of your relationship?
Let’s get to the crux of the matter!
2:06 - Why Men who are raised by their mother may become emotionally enmeshed
5:32 - Why the business of growing beyond our childhood attachment styles is tricky
6:56 - Why this pattern is difficult to break
7:55 - How to break patterns of enmeshment
10:06 - Why does individual work fall short in handling this, and what context works best?
16:40 - Men’s retreats