Deeper Listening and Presence
The process of building trust after a commitment to change
Most men have been given behavioral feedback from their partners at some point. And when we are able to recognize this feedback as something that necessitates a change on our part, no matter how much we also believe in the need for that change, the implementation can be an incredibly vulnerable process.
Another problem arises when men try to make a change in their behavior, but they don’t get the result they want instantly from their partner.They think that they failed, or they weren’t good enough, or they didn’t try hard enough, and their instinctive reaction is to give up.
But it’s important to understand that when our partners provide us feedback that has to do with them feeling neglected, or feeling that we haven’t been pulling our weight, their hurt isn’t going to be easily repaired. Your partner won’t turn on a dime just because you try once; they’ve organized their defenses and they need time to see you show up again and again before they can begin to relax and believe in the consistency of your presence.
It requires a lot of stamina and fortitude on your part to bear your partner’s feelings, hear them, and let them be healed. It’s hard, yes, but if every man gave up at this point, it would cause a lot of viable relationships to fail unnecessarily.
So what do you as a man do to ensure you are able to show up consistently for them?
Listen to learn more!
SHOW NOTES
00:25 – Losing traction: The patterns of defensiveness men regress into when their attempts aren’t successful
03:22 – Slade discusses the healing sequence that partners must follow in response to negative feedback
06:15 – Understanding and mitigating the emotions that arise when you don’t get the response you think you deserve
08:40 – How to set up the conversation in a thoughtful, distraction-free way
10:35 – Sticking with your commitment to new behaviors during the trust-building period
13:44 – Practice self-compassion: Emotionally preparing yourself for the long-haul
14:54 – Work together to break the conversation into manageable pieces
17:33 – Your new behaviors aren’t just about you: Both partners are learning and growing